So far in my 18 years of life I have had my share of having feelings towards a guy. This is a series of posts that I will be sharing about my experiences of this mutual feeling and what they have taught me that contributes to how I think and do (with this topic) today. Now, I'm not meaning to sound pretentious nor am I 'bragging' about the guys that have liked me. Really, I'm just sharing the experiences that have made a massive impact on me. They are not in order as well. Got it? Get it? Good.
The First Guy: taught me about where my worth comes from.
This was during the end of year 11 at our school camp. We were the type of 'friends' that were 'friends' because we hung out with the same people and were in the same group. We never actually talked nor got to know each other. Until the second day one of my sisterfriends told me that this person likes me. Our communication changed from mutual friends to actually being friends. Having this fact in mind, I thought hey .. might as well talk because we hang in the same group anyways, we were eventually going to have to talk. So we did, we talked after camp.
Everyday we would converse, going from facebook inbox to texting. Soon enough, I found myself also feeling a little something too. However, I knew that I had to guard my heart. It was hard because let's face it, he was a sweet-talker. He knew how to talk to a girl sweetly and it was nice but it had led me on (I'm not trying to put the blame on him, no no). Out of no where he stopped responding to my messages and it made me think that I was doing something wrong. When I mean not respond I mean, it would take him a day to respond, exchanging about two to three messages between the two of us and that was it. No longer was he talking to me as much nor giving me the attention that was there at the start of all of this. It hurt. The silence really was deafening. And I knew something was going on.
This is when I turned to God, I had to ask Him for what I needed to do with these feelings. He told me to confront him about the reality of the situation. I did. He also shared that it was him that there was something wrong, he didn't feel right doing this to me because his heart was somewhere else. Then we had closure and that was the end of that. Here is what I had written in my journal:
Tonight I learnt that in the presence of my Saviour, my faith is made stronger. All I can say is, my God is above all. Despite of the waves that are getting higher, the storm stirring up around me- He is still God. I realise now that I need to be still and listen because He is whispering: 'YOU ARE MINE.'
Going through such feeling with ____, I've learnt that I am God's. I can't and won't submit my heart to another. Only God holds it, He is my Father and I am His princess. He is my Saviour and I am His treasure. Although at first it hurt, I'm thankful and blessed. I may have lost feelings but I've gained a friend. I'm praying that I may seek harder after Him- see my worth in Him. May my heart be strong to let go. Remind me of who You are Lord. Remind me of who You are.
[Thursday 21st March, 2013]
That is what I learnt: my worth does not rely on how someone else sees me, my worth does not rely on the attention that I receive ..my worth comes from God and God only. The One who created me, the One who formed my heart, the One who truly sees me for who I am is the One that gives me worth.