This was my view this morning. It had been a while since I had actually written in my journal besides note-taking from Sunday sermons, special talks and devotions. From what I was flipping through, today was the second time I wrote, letting my thoughts freely roam through my pen to paper. And I'm glad. I'm glad that I did so today because I know that I'll be able to reflect back at what I went through to see how far I've come from then to the present day.
I understand that everyone is entitled to use the internet and other available resources to ventilate and express themselves, however I want to challenge you. Perhaps, instead of writing a long blog post or tweeting or updating your status on facbeook .. why not write? Putting pen to paper, I find, feels valid. Writing out (once in a while) your experiences, your deepest of thoughts, ventilating and all the in between, you'll find that you can always look back on it. Read it. And remember. I started writing more personal things in my journal at the start of 2013. I'll give you an example of what I'm getting at.
(first photo below: journals of 2013. second photo below: journal entry)
It started during the mid-year of my second last year of highschool into the end of my last year of highschool, I had gone through a valley for a very long time. Reading back in my journals, I could see my journey of going through that valley. This valley was when I became bulimic.
"I've never heard of needing to have a thigh gap or dimples in your back in order to be called 'skinny.' I never even knew they existed. And the trouble with being so close to someone who places high significance to these things is that their thoughts become contagious. That's the danger I fell into. I noticed more about people's thigh gaps, muscle in their arms, hip bones, roundness of butt and even their size of their breasts. It's not 'checking them out.' It's me comparing myself and feeling totally inadequate. This is wrong. So so wrong."
"Going to the gym for the first time ever was pretty amazeballs. I thoroughly enjoyed it. However, I always thought you'd feel good afterwards. I actually felt more insecure. Like I didn't do enough, that I may not be good enough to do these things .. I really have a hard time accepting myself."
"For the past few days I've been trying so hard not to compare myself to certain people. It's understandable. Comparing yourself to others happens once in a while but what do you do when that once in a while turns into an every while?"
"Why am I unhappy with the way I look? Why am I unhappy with my body? I can't let this consume me. I just can't. Lord, help me please. Psalm 45:13"
"God is there. God is so big, He doesn't even fit in the frame .. because He's the One holding it."
"I'm so so blessed that my parents are prayer warriors. They are warriors fitted with the armour of God. I'm more than hopeful now in getting better... on the road to recovery, I'm more than hopeful. I'm believing that I can overcome this through Christ. There will be that day where I will boldly say: 'I AM BEAUTIFUL.'"
The above statements are just a few segments from the many journal entries during this valley. The first segment was my first entry and that's where it started. That's when I stepped into the valley. You think that the last segment was where I got better. No. I fell again (reference to the third photo). What you see there was my worst. I drew a mannequin to represent myself, then drew arrows that pointed to the parts of my body that I was insanely insecure about, then wrote them. I'm not meaning to gain any pity. I'm just giving example of how writing reflects journey. Many things do but writing, is definitely effective in doing so.
Rest assured, I am no longer bulimic and am content with what I have (yay!). This is reflected through my devotions afterwards. The turning point for me was in my devotions which I titled: 'here's your life back.' It was through writing that I was able to express myself without seeking attention, it enabled me to have hardcopy evidence that I did go through this and able to learn from it. See, so much can be reflected upon when you write. What you write reflects you, your journey/s, your life. It's up to you though, whatever suits you best go ahead and do it.